The Picture of You

The picture of you in my mind has been there since the day I first saw your face.  Bright, angelic, beautiful and a smile that out shined the sun.  Oh yes, the picture in my mind will be there until I take my last breath.  18556287_10210764618325087_5703497017474624669_n

I see you standing there as we shake hands and I can smell your sweet perfume and how it made everyone in the restaurant melt away…It became just you and I.  Telling you jokes in my stupid voices that drove my kids nuts but it made you laugh…And cuss.  And since you broke open the gate for cussing it was on like Donkey Kong.  We talked into the wee hours of the night….holding hands, kissing first kisses so soft and sweet.  It was the date to end all dates.

You were it for me…

The coming year was one of ups and downs. Both of us so scared at being in love and not knowing what to do about it.  The hurt we both wrangled from our past was keeping us from going forward.  Scared of the unknown we finally decided that “we” were what we wanted…

We were surprised by the gift life decided to throw at us…

Life isn’t mean or unjust…Life is a like a cheap ride at an Indiana county fair, where the spinning ride keeps you glued to the wall as the floor drops beneath you…As we push away, the force of gravity brings us back to the wall…A random door opens…we fall out.  Bruised by the fall we gather ourselves up and deal with whatever may be broken.

Not knowing if anything is broken or bruised we continue on with life…

proposalWe bundled our homes together to make a life of love that seemed picture perfect…A love we have searched an entire life for.  The picture of you in my mind telling me to run as the news riddled our hearts full of holes…There was no where for me to run…You were my home.

Months spent watching you sleep in a chair…

Drop after every agonizing drop from a plastic bag of death. I watched it all…The pain, the sleepless nights, round after round of drugs to ease it all and losing your hair…I still carry the picture of you in my mind from the night we met.  No amount of chemicals, cancer or pain could erase your beauty from my eyes.

More news falls on our ears as all of your hard work was for nothing…

More rounds of chemicals…drip, drip, drip.  Nothing seemed to make you lose hope while in the public eye…It was in private that you shed your tears, wailing in the night clawing at my flesh for an answer to this mess.  I had no answers to give but only to say I love you.  I’m sorry was not a good enough answer and hoping for a cure only made things worse…drip, drip, drip.

Life wasn’t done with us yet…

The picture of you in my mind when the doctor said it was no longer working and only a false hope of a treatment could be offered…life wasn’t being mean, it was just doing what it always does…rolling on.  knowing there wasn’t much time…

A vacation planned and a vacation spent in pain…

Our plans to travel far and wide were no longer a reality.  The picture I have of you wendybeachstanding on the beach contemplating your life and your impending death is one that I can never be without.  To know you were standing there making peace with life and cursing life all at the same time is justified in that one picture of you.

Holding hands and feeling you squeeze when I say your name or the lastasking for a kiss and you pucker for my lips…

The picture of you in my mind as you wake and point and talk to people who aren’t there…To know there are moments you see what we all crave to see in the last hours of life…To know, to understand, and accept.

The picture of you holding my hand on your last day…Was the last of you to be had.

The last picture of you in my mind is the heart you gave to me to hold until we meet again.



One comment

  1. Oh Jason. I pray for your comfort and strength. Life is never fair or a given. We just have to know that a love like that will carry us through. Your an amazing person and I am truly blessed to call you my friend. God speed my friend and love always.


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